Peace at last

Walking through a churchyard, I noticed a tombstone inscription that read "Peace at last". That's nice, I thought, absent-mindedly. Then I started to think about it.

If we assume the peace is to the benefit of the deceased, then how is that a good thing? Okay, so you're dead, but at least it's nice and quiet, and you're unlikely to be disturbed? Not a great consolation, really, is it? Let's say he lived in a noisy environment, one causing him frequent interruptions. Surely even that was preferable to death? In fact, if he was so bothered by this lack of peace in his everyday life, he could have just popped-in some ear-plugs and locked the door. Or moved. But no, he'd favoured death. So much so he may even have invited it.

But perhaps the beneficiary of this peace is actually the deceased's widow. Having waited for years, decades even, for him to shut-up, to stop clattering about the place, and disturbing her, she couldn't resist thanking him for finally granting her the peace she craved. She may have even helped him along a bit.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that there is not one possible good reason for this inscription. At best, it's a poor consolation for the deceased, or an eternal reminder of his lacklustre decision-making. At worst, a token of gratitude from his widow for being good enough to die, or a confession to his murder.

"Peace at last"? Not so very nice after all...

The minefield that is: talking to women

I saw a young lady I hadn't seen for a while, and she looked great. I mean double-take-to-make-sure-it-was-actually-her great. I knew she'd been dieting and now gathered from her attire that she'd been going to the gym. She'd lost weight and toned-up, and now looked fit and healthy. That's fit as in fit, not fit. But it was more than just that. There was something else about her I couldn't quite put my finger on. What is it the French call it? I don't know what, but she seemed to exude a new self-confidence. Perhaps she'd paid more attention to her appearance, like recently washed her hair, a lick of paint, whatever. Anyway, she'd obviously been working hard on improving herself and it showed.

She's a lovely person, so I wanted to tell her that I'd noticed, to give her a morale-boost so she'd feel even better about herself. Therein lay the problem.

As a man, one with possibly a touch of Aspergers-type social ineptitude, here's what I would have said:

Wow, you look great. I had to do a double-take there to make sure it was you. You've lost a load of weight, and the gym's clearly working for you. Have you just washed your hair? And have you got make-up on? I'm saying this to make you feel good, not because I fancy you.

Clearly I would have to run it through the female filter before uttering it. Something like:

Wow, you look great. Have you been going to the gym? You look glowing.

Okay, that would sound like I was chatting her up. Badly. A rethink was needed. How about:

Wow, you look great. I had to do a double-take there to make sure it was you. In a good way, because you look so different. Not that you looked awful before or anything. Just different. Have you lost weight? You have? I didn't notice you had any to lose, but I s'pose you must have had then. Have you been going to the gym, too? You have? That must be why you look so glowing and healthy then.

That would just make far too big a deal of the whole thing. So I settled for:

Hi!