It's Friday (well just Saturday, technically) now. Back on Tuesday I was praying to God about a friend's situation. A relative of hers had been terminally ill for some weeks. She had previously asked me to pray that his suffering would be minimised, even if his life would end sooner because of this.
Now, a recent development looked likely to shorten his life further still. He lives a considerable distance away, so it's somewhat of an ordeal to visit. The last time she was there, collecting her husband from visiting his father, the aforementioned, terminally ill, relative, in hospital, she had declined the opportunity to pop-in one last time that trip prior to driving home. This was because her two young children were in the car, and the complications that would have entailed.
So we were now in a situation where my friend was wondering if she might now never get a chance to visit him again. That she might have wasted the last opportunity she would ever have to be with him. And the guilt and regret that goes with it.
I felt inclined to advise her to make the trip to see him as soon as possible, just to make sure she got that chance, lest he died before she got another chance. However, I didn't want to be overly dramatic, and risk upsetting her unnecessarily.
So I prayed to God, once again, that his suffering would be minimised, even if his life would end sooner because of this. That God might assess the situation, taking into account his loved ones and those who loved him, as well as the man himself, and help minimise the trauma to all concerned. But I now added my concern for my friend about seeing him again before he died, and asked that God might give her that chance, if He felt it appropriate.
I wanted to know how to advise my friend regarding the urgency involved. So I hit upon the idea of asking God when the man might die. Which I did. But then I realised I didn't know how God would communicate his answer, since nothing immediately "happened" to give me an answer. So I spoke, silently in my head, just as I was already praying, each day of that week, starting with that day, Tuesday. I'd clarified that, for the the purpose of this prayer, the day ran literally, from midnight to midnight. Once I got past Sunday I was planning to add a catch-all of "after Sunday". But I didn't get that far. When I got to Saturday I got an REM eye-flickering, as I'd had when I first conversed with God. I backtracked to Thursday, then Friday, then Saturday again, just to check, and once again Saturday was confirmed to me by God.
Once I'd finished praying, I realised that this was going to sound pretty strange, potentially, to my friend. And I kind of wished I hadn't asked so specifically. But, anyway, I had. And, now I knew, I had to tell her. So I did. She was fine with it. Whether she places any value on it I have no idea. But she hasn't made any adverse comments to me, and she's still speaking to me normally.
Since then, her husband was called out of work to travel to see his father straight away, which he did, on Wednesday. My friend followed him there today. Although her husband has advised her not to see his father, saying it would be better for her to remember him as he was.
This presents a slightly new quandary. So I have since been praying similarly to before, but with the added proviso of asking God to consider what's best for my friend - to see him in a state that may upset her and possibly, with hindsight, wish she hadn't, or to take her husband's advice and not see him, and possibly, with hindsight, wish that she had. Specifically, I suggested to God that an ideal solution might be for him to rally round for a period, and be coherent and relatively comfortable, in order that her husband suggests that she does, in fact, visit. That way she would get the chance to say goodbye and tell him that she loves him etc.
So there we have it. I've been told by God that my friend's father-in-law will die on Saturday, ie today. And I've asked God that he might provide a situation whereby my friend would get chance to see him and speak with him one last time. It's 01:26 now. I didn't mean to set this up as a test, but a test it surely is. My thoughts are with my friend, and her husband, and her father-in-law, of course.
Friday 9 March 2012
Conclusions
My friend, Trude, asked me what I conclude from all of this.
I conclude:
Nutter Alert!
I know. I know! I sound like a nutter. Like I've been suckered-in, in a state of vulnerability and desperation, that I've been brainwashed. None of which is true. I absolutely did not imagine any of this. I was fully aware of what was happening, to the extent that I was observing it happening and thinking "wow, this is some weird shit!". I didn't expect it to happen. I didn't necessarily even want it to happen. I just did it as an experiment, an experience - "I'm here so I might as well give it a crack". I was sceptical to the last. But always open-minded.
I still don't have any answers to the thorny questions about Christianity. I still don't know or care about what happens when I die. I'm the same person. I'm not sure what on earth I'm supposed to do next. But it'll all fall into place. I do feel more serene (cliché alert!). I'm not weird, deluded, do-gooding, bible-thumping, or preachy. I'm still just me. Just that I talk to God now, and he talks back, is all.
I conclude:
- That God is here - I know this because I've conversed directly & unmistakably with Him.
- That Jesus was His Son - although He didn't address this issue directly, what He did do and continues to do has blown me away to the extent that it's a now a given.
- That the Holy Spirit exists, and is a pathway to communicating directly (okay, through Jesus) to God, and also to healing, because I've been filled with it, twice now.
Nutter Alert!
I know. I know! I sound like a nutter. Like I've been suckered-in, in a state of vulnerability and desperation, that I've been brainwashed. None of which is true. I absolutely did not imagine any of this. I was fully aware of what was happening, to the extent that I was observing it happening and thinking "wow, this is some weird shit!". I didn't expect it to happen. I didn't necessarily even want it to happen. I just did it as an experiment, an experience - "I'm here so I might as well give it a crack". I was sceptical to the last. But always open-minded.
I still don't have any answers to the thorny questions about Christianity. I still don't know or care about what happens when I die. I'm the same person. I'm not sure what on earth I'm supposed to do next. But it'll all fall into place. I do feel more serene (cliché alert!). I'm not weird, deluded, do-gooding, bible-thumping, or preachy. I'm still just me. Just that I talk to God now, and he talks back, is all.
My Second Healing
The next day, Thursday, I'd asked the minister of King's Church, Simon, if I could crash a cell group (aka home group) as I wanted to further explore the sermon he had given, specifically the PEACE acrostic.
My First Cell Group
The host hadn't planned anything much, and happened to ask me, "You haven't been a Christian long, Roger, is that right?"
"Six days," I replied. So he asked me what that was all about. So off I went, again. Everyone was rapt.
Then we decided to continue round the group, with everyone telling their testimony of how they'd become Christian. Really interesting. Normal people talking with sincerity about things that had actually happened to them. I didn't doubt their veracity for a moment.
Group Prayer
Anyway, back to the point. At the end, we did a group prayer. Just a kind of an open-channel, anyone chip-in with anything you want to pray about, type prayer session. The host opened the prayer asking for God to fill us with His Holy Spirit whilst we prayed. We each had people to pray for, and various other bits and bobs, so off we all went with it all.
The Healing
Anyway, during this time I was just buzzing, like I was filled to overflowing with electricity. Really powerful stuff. And I kept jolting, which I would never normally do. And despite having my eyes closed I felt like my eyes were looking into a huge void, like an endless black cavern. Crazy feeling. Really surreal/supernatural/unexplainable, like nothing I'd ever felt before. No God-chat this time, but definitely God/JC/HS stuff goin' on!
Next day, I'd clearly been healed another chunk. Like first time was 30% towards 100% normal health, second time was another 30%.
I could ask God for another chunk of healing, but I'm happy to wait. I did think it might happen the next Thursday in cell group, but it didn't.
No More ME?
Since my first experience I feel like I haven't got ME any more. I know: deluded, brainwashed, should be certified, dangerously optimistic. But it's how I feel. I've just been different. When I am forced into daytime sleeps they really are sleeps. Pleasant, refreshing sleep. Not horrible, feel-like-I'm-dying ME-crashes. And my body just feels like it's deconditioned, not an energy-less wreck. For three weeks now I've felt like this. I'm still not right, but it's all different. I'm a work-in-progress, though, so need to see what happens over the next few weeks. It really does seem like I'm on the mend, though.
I now find myself wondering what I'm gonna do for a living, now. Don't fancy going back to my computer engineering business. Time for a change of direction, methinks. But I'm not rushing into anything.
My First Cell Group
The host hadn't planned anything much, and happened to ask me, "You haven't been a Christian long, Roger, is that right?"
"Six days," I replied. So he asked me what that was all about. So off I went, again. Everyone was rapt.
Then we decided to continue round the group, with everyone telling their testimony of how they'd become Christian. Really interesting. Normal people talking with sincerity about things that had actually happened to them. I didn't doubt their veracity for a moment.
Group Prayer
Anyway, back to the point. At the end, we did a group prayer. Just a kind of an open-channel, anyone chip-in with anything you want to pray about, type prayer session. The host opened the prayer asking for God to fill us with His Holy Spirit whilst we prayed. We each had people to pray for, and various other bits and bobs, so off we all went with it all.
The Healing
Anyway, during this time I was just buzzing, like I was filled to overflowing with electricity. Really powerful stuff. And I kept jolting, which I would never normally do. And despite having my eyes closed I felt like my eyes were looking into a huge void, like an endless black cavern. Crazy feeling. Really surreal/supernatural/unexplainable, like nothing I'd ever felt before. No God-chat this time, but definitely God/JC/HS stuff goin' on!
Next day, I'd clearly been healed another chunk. Like first time was 30% towards 100% normal health, second time was another 30%.
I could ask God for another chunk of healing, but I'm happy to wait. I did think it might happen the next Thursday in cell group, but it didn't.
No More ME?
Since my first experience I feel like I haven't got ME any more. I know: deluded, brainwashed, should be certified, dangerously optimistic. But it's how I feel. I've just been different. When I am forced into daytime sleeps they really are sleeps. Pleasant, refreshing sleep. Not horrible, feel-like-I'm-dying ME-crashes. And my body just feels like it's deconditioned, not an energy-less wreck. For three weeks now I've felt like this. I'm still not right, but it's all different. I'm a work-in-progress, though, so need to see what happens over the next few weeks. It really does seem like I'm on the mend, though.
I now find myself wondering what I'm gonna do for a living, now. Don't fancy going back to my computer engineering business. Time for a change of direction, methinks. But I'm not rushing into anything.
My Third Deal With God
Poor Me
The following Wednesday, I'd been in bed since the previous evening, shivering, despite being wrapped in many layers plus hot water bottle, and generally feeling like I was dying (aka man flu, I know). It got to late afternoon, and I realised there was no way I would be going to my Alpha course that evening.
The Deal
I prayed to God, "God, me again. This Alpha course tonight - I'd really like to go. Not for me, although I do very much enjoy it. But, rather, because I feel I'm going to be asked to recount my experience of Saturday, and I strongly believe it will be really beneficial for people to hear about it. Especially coming from me, the sceptical, gobby one. So if you agree, then please go ahead and make me feel better."
So? Did It "Work"?
An hour and a half or so later, just before the Alpha course session started, I suddenly became well enough to go. Right at the last minute. Coincidence? Maybe. But there's more.
Right at the end of the course, ten minutes after we should have finished actually, I'd forgotten all about telling people about my experience. Nobody had made any mention about anybody's experience on Saturday. We weren't even on a related subject. When, suddenly, Sarah, one of the leaders, who was present when I spoke at the Sunday evening service, piped-up "Tell everyone about what happened to you on Saturday, Roger." I felt like it would be preachy, and inappropriate, and a bit "me, me, me", and also that there wasn't time. But everyone said not to worry about the time, that the end would be once I'd told my story. So off I went, with a slightly condensed version.
I see this as God nipping-in at the last minute to get me to tell my story to people that needed to hear it, just as I'd suggested, but forgotten about. Coincidence? Maybe. But I really don't think so.
Thanks, God
I prayed to God, as I walked home, "Thanks for that, God. Nice one. Mission accomplished. I expect to be ill again now, which is fine, coz the deal was just for the Alpha course. Thanks again." But he didn't let me become ill again, neither that night nor the next day. Maybe my virus would've been over anyway. Don't think so though.
The following Wednesday, I'd been in bed since the previous evening, shivering, despite being wrapped in many layers plus hot water bottle, and generally feeling like I was dying (aka man flu, I know). It got to late afternoon, and I realised there was no way I would be going to my Alpha course that evening.
The Deal
I prayed to God, "God, me again. This Alpha course tonight - I'd really like to go. Not for me, although I do very much enjoy it. But, rather, because I feel I'm going to be asked to recount my experience of Saturday, and I strongly believe it will be really beneficial for people to hear about it. Especially coming from me, the sceptical, gobby one. So if you agree, then please go ahead and make me feel better."
So? Did It "Work"?
An hour and a half or so later, just before the Alpha course session started, I suddenly became well enough to go. Right at the last minute. Coincidence? Maybe. But there's more.
Right at the end of the course, ten minutes after we should have finished actually, I'd forgotten all about telling people about my experience. Nobody had made any mention about anybody's experience on Saturday. We weren't even on a related subject. When, suddenly, Sarah, one of the leaders, who was present when I spoke at the Sunday evening service, piped-up "Tell everyone about what happened to you on Saturday, Roger." I felt like it would be preachy, and inappropriate, and a bit "me, me, me", and also that there wasn't time. But everyone said not to worry about the time, that the end would be once I'd told my story. So off I went, with a slightly condensed version.
I see this as God nipping-in at the last minute to get me to tell my story to people that needed to hear it, just as I'd suggested, but forgotten about. Coincidence? Maybe. But I really don't think so.
Thanks, God
I prayed to God, as I walked home, "Thanks for that, God. Nice one. Mission accomplished. I expect to be ill again now, which is fine, coz the deal was just for the Alpha course. Thanks again." But he didn't let me become ill again, neither that night nor the next day. Maybe my virus would've been over anyway. Don't think so though.
Spread The Word
Later that Sunday Tracey asked me to go to the evening service at my local church with her, as she didn't want to go on her own. Neither of us had been before.
That morning, at my new church, King's, I had told the minister, Simon, about my experience. He was delighted, and prayed for me. I said I was really excited and wanted to tell people, but wasn't sure if that was a good idea, especially since the sermon he'd just given (about how to verify that it's really God communicating with us!) said that we should beware of communing-with-God one-upmanship, ie pride. He said I should tell whomever I felt I wanted to.
So there we were, in church, that evening. It was a small, casual service, and towards the end there was an open-mike slot where anybody could stand on stage and tell everyone if anything interesting had happened to them this past week. Hello?! Yes! So up I went. Got a round of applause, and a big hug from a lovely lady that I only know from doing the catering on our Alpha course. A few kind words from a few nice people.
That morning, at my new church, King's, I had told the minister, Simon, about my experience. He was delighted, and prayed for me. I said I was really excited and wanted to tell people, but wasn't sure if that was a good idea, especially since the sermon he'd just given (about how to verify that it's really God communicating with us!) said that we should beware of communing-with-God one-upmanship, ie pride. He said I should tell whomever I felt I wanted to.
So there we were, in church, that evening. It was a small, casual service, and towards the end there was an open-mike slot where anybody could stand on stage and tell everyone if anything interesting had happened to them this past week. Hello?! Yes! So up I went. Got a round of applause, and a big hug from a lovely lady that I only know from doing the catering on our Alpha course. A few kind words from a few nice people.
My Second Deal With God
What Happened Next?
Following the experience I had during the away day part of my Alpha Course, where I had conversed with God, and been filled with His Holy Spirit, I immediately went into the other room, where everyone else was having a cuppa and chatting. People didn't all stop talking and look at me and ask if anything had happened to me, thankfully. I was glad of that etiquette. I just carried on like nothing had happened. Although inside I was dazed to say the least.
My friend Tracey had given me a lift in her car, and when we got back to my house, and were alone in the car, I told her what had happened to me. Blew her mind. She totally believes me, I think.
That evening, I thought, "What am I supposed to do now? S'pose I'd better go to church in the morning for, for kick-off." Trouble is, I'd been planning not to because there was no Hiz Kidz (fun Sunday school) due to half-term, and my boys don't like it unless there's Hiz Kidz. And I couldn't very well clear off and leave them with Rach. So I decided to go to King's Church, which I'd been meaning to do for a while, just to see what it was like. Only now I wanted to go for me, for praying and worshipping and that, not just for a look-see.
Why King's Church?
I'd said to my friend Ellen, who introduced me to King's Open House, the family group I go to in Lordswood every other Sunday afternoon, that if I were ever to go to church, ie for myself, then it would surely have to be King's, because I loved the people I'd met and the general vibe and ethos, and the minister, Simon.
The Deal
So I prayed to God, "God, I want to go to King's church in the morning, but there's no point if the boys are gonna monkey around and distract me the whole time. I want to go for me. Well, for You, Ya know. So here's the deal: You sort the kids out & I'll go." (Slightly paraphrased and humorised.)
The Next Day
We'd at King's Church for a while the next morning, singing awesome songs for the first half hour or so, when I came to realise that my boys had been either sat next to me or wandering around at the back waving these big flags around to the music, and I hadn't once had to remonstrate with them. Odd.
Then, it was time for all the kids to clear off to Sunday school. Ellen asked if my two were coming with her three. They said no way man, but I coaxed them along just to take a look. We went to the younger ones' room first, and I had to work at it to get Ethan through the door just to have a look. But as soon as he'd gone through the door he forgot about me and just wandered in happily and never looked back. Same with Nate in the older kids' room. All of which would never have normally happened - sometimes they don't even want to go into Hiz Kidz at our local church, which they're used to, and know everyone, and love.
Deal fulfilled? I think so!
Following the experience I had during the away day part of my Alpha Course, where I had conversed with God, and been filled with His Holy Spirit, I immediately went into the other room, where everyone else was having a cuppa and chatting. People didn't all stop talking and look at me and ask if anything had happened to me, thankfully. I was glad of that etiquette. I just carried on like nothing had happened. Although inside I was dazed to say the least.
My friend Tracey had given me a lift in her car, and when we got back to my house, and were alone in the car, I told her what had happened to me. Blew her mind. She totally believes me, I think.
That evening, I thought, "What am I supposed to do now? S'pose I'd better go to church in the morning for, for kick-off." Trouble is, I'd been planning not to because there was no Hiz Kidz (fun Sunday school) due to half-term, and my boys don't like it unless there's Hiz Kidz. And I couldn't very well clear off and leave them with Rach. So I decided to go to King's Church, which I'd been meaning to do for a while, just to see what it was like. Only now I wanted to go for me, for praying and worshipping and that, not just for a look-see.
Why King's Church?
I'd said to my friend Ellen, who introduced me to King's Open House, the family group I go to in Lordswood every other Sunday afternoon, that if I were ever to go to church, ie for myself, then it would surely have to be King's, because I loved the people I'd met and the general vibe and ethos, and the minister, Simon.
The Deal
So I prayed to God, "God, I want to go to King's church in the morning, but there's no point if the boys are gonna monkey around and distract me the whole time. I want to go for me. Well, for You, Ya know. So here's the deal: You sort the kids out & I'll go." (Slightly paraphrased and humorised.)
The Next Day
We'd at King's Church for a while the next morning, singing awesome songs for the first half hour or so, when I came to realise that my boys had been either sat next to me or wandering around at the back waving these big flags around to the music, and I hadn't once had to remonstrate with them. Odd.
Then, it was time for all the kids to clear off to Sunday school. Ellen asked if my two were coming with her three. They said no way man, but I coaxed them along just to take a look. We went to the younger ones' room first, and I had to work at it to get Ethan through the door just to have a look. But as soon as he'd gone through the door he forgot about me and just wandered in happily and never looked back. Same with Nate in the older kids' room. All of which would never have normally happened - sometimes they don't even want to go into Hiz Kidz at our local church, which they're used to, and know everyone, and love.
Deal fulfilled? I think so!
Saturday 3 March 2012
Me and God
The Setting
Saturday 18 February 2012 was the away day in the middle of my Alpha Course. The day was spent learning about the Holy Spirit. Three talks from three different people, with associated discussions, interspersed with tea & cake, lunch, and more tea & cake.
As we looked at the schedule for the day it quickly became apparent that our leaders had omitted to mention the part where we would be given the opportunity to declare ourselves Christians and to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Presumably experience had shown them that full disclosure leads to desertion. I have since discovered that Holy Spirit Day is well known for producing dramatic experiences for some of its delegates.
My Decision
I decided that if I felt able to say the prayer of salvation with sincerity then I would do so, in order that I could participate fully in the Holy Spirit part as a Christian, albeit a new one. The major obstacle to my becoming a Christian was a lack of belief in Jesus being the Son of God.
Prayer of salvation
My Stance on God
I had decided a some time ago, whilst attending The Y Course, that the universe, planet earth, its inhabitants, and human beings, specifically, were all too awesome, intricate and finely balanced to have developed as happy coincidences. (This coming from a life-long scientific, mathematical, logical, rational, empirical, inquisitive, enquiring, and intelligent person.) I'd concluded that stuff had to have been designed & created, and that God was as good a name as any for the entity which did so.
I'd become used to praying to God from time to time of late, because various people had asked me to pray for them or their loved ones, assuming, I suppose, that I was a Christian - not unreasonable as I had been going to church most Sundays, although only because my kids went to Sunday school. I'd just omitted any reference to Jesus in such prayers.
My Stance on Jesus
I was happy enough to concede that Jesus had existed, but figured He was either a liar or self-deluded, and that those who had known Him were either gullible or in on the deceit. I'd encountered nothing to compel me to believe that Jesus was the Son of God.
My Deal with God
Since a belief in Jesus was clearly an unavoidable, non-negotiable part of Christianity, I prayed to God, proposing a deal: if He could help me to believe that Jesus was His Son, plus help me overcome a couple of sins I felt I couldn't conquer on my own, then I was up for being a Christian - genuinely and wholeheartedly.
I told God he'd have to pull out the stops and really impress me if he wanted to convince me that He existed and was communicating with me. Respectfully, of course.
Finally, I threw my friend, Tracey, into the deal as a 2-4-1, since, if it happened to me, it would probably convince her too. Heal Me?
I also prayed about my illness. I had had ME/CFS for some two and a half years. I told God that I wasn't about to ask Him to heal me for my own benefit, since it wasn't so very bad, and came with lots of benefits, such as spending a lot of time with my kids, helping with the playgroups I attended daily, shaping the ethos of the ME/CFS Facebook group I belonged to, getting to know some great people through the support group I belonged to, taking-up new, creative, hobbies like photography, acting and singing, and having the time to think about the big questions in life. Nor, now, was I to ask Him to heal me for my family, as we had become used to existing on benefits, and had a reasonable life, albeit one without much spare money for anything other than essentials. But I did suggest that it might be nice if I were, once again, a fully productive member of society, paying my way and supporting my family financially. So I left that one in God's hands.
Say the Prayer
The time came for the prayer of salvation. Jane read each line of the prayer, slowly and clearly, with a long pause after each line to allow us time to pray the preceding line in our heads, should we so choose. I was totally in the right frame of mind for it. I dwelt on and analysed every word of each line, and felt able to repeat the entire prayer sincerely, making it my own.
Okay, I thought, I'm now ready for this Holy Spirit business. Let's give it a go, as an experiment, an experience. Then, when nothing happens, I can move on. I was sceptical, but open-minded, as ever.
Let's Do It
I sat on a chair in the middle of the quiet room. Derek and another lady, whose name I forget, each placed a hand my shoulder and proceeded to pray over me, asking God to show me His presence and fill me with the Holy Spirit. I closed my eyes to minimise distraction. For ages nothing happened. I started to wonder how much longer I should wait before aborting the mission. Nothing was happening, just as I expected. But I'd have given it a go. Weird Stuff Starts Happening
Then I noticed that my eyes were twitching and rolling, just like, I imagine, they would do during REM sleep. They were moving involuntarily, and so quickly that I couldn't possibly have made them do this intentionally. Strange, I thought. What's this all about? Perhaps something is happening after all. This went on for quite some time, with my conscious self continuing to observe dispassionately. Then I got the feeling that the room was spinning around me. Or maybe like my head was spinning. I still had my eyes closed. My eyes were still doing the REM thing.
The head/room spinning thing was similar, I imagine, to what one would experience in a human gyroscope.
Human gyroscope photo
Human gyroscope video
The feeling was not dizziness, nor light-headedness, nor nausea, nor any feeling I'd ever had before. That said, it wasn't massively freaky or disconcerting either, just odd.
God Says Hi
Then God stepped into my mind and communicated with me. He didn't speak using words, so I have no idea what his voice sounded like as he didn't use it. The method of communication was unlike any I had experienced before. I suppose it could be most closely related to telepathy. God communicated his thoughts or intentions or ideas or concepts directly into my head. It felt like imagery was used, but I can't describe any specific image. All very wishy-washy sounding, I know. And if someone had told me of a similar experience of theirs, prior to this, I would probably have thought them delusional, desperate, gullible, brainwashed, needy, attention-seeking, bandwagon-jumping, or some combination thereof, depending on how well I knew the person, and how I perceived their character.
God brought my attention to one of the sins I'd asked for help with. He made it clear that I had to conquer it. I told him I would, with His help. Again, he made it clear that this was of utmost importance - a deal-breaker. Again, I assured Him of my conviction. That was good enough for God, and the deal was done. In fairness, I brought the other sin I'd asked for help with to his attention, but he wasn't bothered about that one.
Fill Me Up
The head/room spinning then stopped. I now felt like I was standing-up very straight and tall. Chest out, stomach in. And I was growing taller, up towards a bright light like the sun. Like when Jack's beanstalk grows. It got to a point where I started to wonder if I'd still fit through doorways. Then it was over. So I opened my eyes.
Heal Me
I then got a peculiar feeling in my legs. Well, not really a feeling as in a physical sensation, but more the knowledge that something was happening to them. I can't describe it as a warmth, a coldness, a tingling, a numbness, pins and needles, pain, or any other recognisable experience. It seemed that something was happening on a cellular level. It travelled, fairly quickly, up my legs and throughout the rest of my body. It reminded me of The Matrix when Neo touches the mirror and the silver spreads up his arm .
Neo touches the mirror in The Matrix
And then it was done. All I needed to do now was figure-out what on earth to do now!
Saturday 18 February 2012 was the away day in the middle of my Alpha Course. The day was spent learning about the Holy Spirit. Three talks from three different people, with associated discussions, interspersed with tea & cake, lunch, and more tea & cake.
As we looked at the schedule for the day it quickly became apparent that our leaders had omitted to mention the part where we would be given the opportunity to declare ourselves Christians and to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Presumably experience had shown them that full disclosure leads to desertion. I have since discovered that Holy Spirit Day is well known for producing dramatic experiences for some of its delegates.
My Decision
I decided that if I felt able to say the prayer of salvation with sincerity then I would do so, in order that I could participate fully in the Holy Spirit part as a Christian, albeit a new one. The major obstacle to my becoming a Christian was a lack of belief in Jesus being the Son of God.
Prayer of salvation
My Stance on God
I had decided a some time ago, whilst attending The Y Course, that the universe, planet earth, its inhabitants, and human beings, specifically, were all too awesome, intricate and finely balanced to have developed as happy coincidences. (This coming from a life-long scientific, mathematical, logical, rational, empirical, inquisitive, enquiring, and intelligent person.) I'd concluded that stuff had to have been designed & created, and that God was as good a name as any for the entity which did so.
I'd become used to praying to God from time to time of late, because various people had asked me to pray for them or their loved ones, assuming, I suppose, that I was a Christian - not unreasonable as I had been going to church most Sundays, although only because my kids went to Sunday school. I'd just omitted any reference to Jesus in such prayers.
My Stance on Jesus
I was happy enough to concede that Jesus had existed, but figured He was either a liar or self-deluded, and that those who had known Him were either gullible or in on the deceit. I'd encountered nothing to compel me to believe that Jesus was the Son of God.
My Deal with God
Since a belief in Jesus was clearly an unavoidable, non-negotiable part of Christianity, I prayed to God, proposing a deal: if He could help me to believe that Jesus was His Son, plus help me overcome a couple of sins I felt I couldn't conquer on my own, then I was up for being a Christian - genuinely and wholeheartedly.
I told God he'd have to pull out the stops and really impress me if he wanted to convince me that He existed and was communicating with me. Respectfully, of course.
Finally, I threw my friend, Tracey, into the deal as a 2-4-1, since, if it happened to me, it would probably convince her too. Heal Me?
I also prayed about my illness. I had had ME/CFS for some two and a half years. I told God that I wasn't about to ask Him to heal me for my own benefit, since it wasn't so very bad, and came with lots of benefits, such as spending a lot of time with my kids, helping with the playgroups I attended daily, shaping the ethos of the ME/CFS Facebook group I belonged to, getting to know some great people through the support group I belonged to, taking-up new, creative, hobbies like photography, acting and singing, and having the time to think about the big questions in life. Nor, now, was I to ask Him to heal me for my family, as we had become used to existing on benefits, and had a reasonable life, albeit one without much spare money for anything other than essentials. But I did suggest that it might be nice if I were, once again, a fully productive member of society, paying my way and supporting my family financially. So I left that one in God's hands.
Say the Prayer
The time came for the prayer of salvation. Jane read each line of the prayer, slowly and clearly, with a long pause after each line to allow us time to pray the preceding line in our heads, should we so choose. I was totally in the right frame of mind for it. I dwelt on and analysed every word of each line, and felt able to repeat the entire prayer sincerely, making it my own.
Okay, I thought, I'm now ready for this Holy Spirit business. Let's give it a go, as an experiment, an experience. Then, when nothing happens, I can move on. I was sceptical, but open-minded, as ever.
Let's Do It
I sat on a chair in the middle of the quiet room. Derek and another lady, whose name I forget, each placed a hand my shoulder and proceeded to pray over me, asking God to show me His presence and fill me with the Holy Spirit. I closed my eyes to minimise distraction. For ages nothing happened. I started to wonder how much longer I should wait before aborting the mission. Nothing was happening, just as I expected. But I'd have given it a go. Weird Stuff Starts Happening
Then I noticed that my eyes were twitching and rolling, just like, I imagine, they would do during REM sleep. They were moving involuntarily, and so quickly that I couldn't possibly have made them do this intentionally. Strange, I thought. What's this all about? Perhaps something is happening after all. This went on for quite some time, with my conscious self continuing to observe dispassionately. Then I got the feeling that the room was spinning around me. Or maybe like my head was spinning. I still had my eyes closed. My eyes were still doing the REM thing.
The head/room spinning thing was similar, I imagine, to what one would experience in a human gyroscope.
Human gyroscope photo
Human gyroscope video
The feeling was not dizziness, nor light-headedness, nor nausea, nor any feeling I'd ever had before. That said, it wasn't massively freaky or disconcerting either, just odd.
God Says Hi
Then God stepped into my mind and communicated with me. He didn't speak using words, so I have no idea what his voice sounded like as he didn't use it. The method of communication was unlike any I had experienced before. I suppose it could be most closely related to telepathy. God communicated his thoughts or intentions or ideas or concepts directly into my head. It felt like imagery was used, but I can't describe any specific image. All very wishy-washy sounding, I know. And if someone had told me of a similar experience of theirs, prior to this, I would probably have thought them delusional, desperate, gullible, brainwashed, needy, attention-seeking, bandwagon-jumping, or some combination thereof, depending on how well I knew the person, and how I perceived their character.
God brought my attention to one of the sins I'd asked for help with. He made it clear that I had to conquer it. I told him I would, with His help. Again, he made it clear that this was of utmost importance - a deal-breaker. Again, I assured Him of my conviction. That was good enough for God, and the deal was done. In fairness, I brought the other sin I'd asked for help with to his attention, but he wasn't bothered about that one.
Fill Me Up
The head/room spinning then stopped. I now felt like I was standing-up very straight and tall. Chest out, stomach in. And I was growing taller, up towards a bright light like the sun. Like when Jack's beanstalk grows. It got to a point where I started to wonder if I'd still fit through doorways. Then it was over. So I opened my eyes.
Heal Me
I then got a peculiar feeling in my legs. Well, not really a feeling as in a physical sensation, but more the knowledge that something was happening to them. I can't describe it as a warmth, a coldness, a tingling, a numbness, pins and needles, pain, or any other recognisable experience. It seemed that something was happening on a cellular level. It travelled, fairly quickly, up my legs and throughout the rest of my body. It reminded me of The Matrix when Neo touches the mirror and the silver spreads up his arm .
Neo touches the mirror in The Matrix
And then it was done. All I needed to do now was figure-out what on earth to do now!
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