Me and God

The Setting

Saturday 18 February 2012 was the away day in the middle of my Alpha Course. The day was spent learning about the Holy Spirit. Three talks from three different people, with associated discussions, interspersed with tea & cake, lunch, and more tea & cake.

As we looked at the schedule for the day it quickly became apparent that our leaders had omitted to mention the part where we would be given the opportunity to declare ourselves Christians and to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Presumably experience had shown them that full disclosure leads to desertion. I have since discovered that Holy Spirit Day is well known for producing dramatic experiences for some of its delegates.

My Decision

I decided that if I felt able to say the prayer of salvation with sincerity then I would do so, in order that I could participate fully in the Holy Spirit part as a Christian, albeit a new one. The major obstacle to my becoming a Christian was a lack of belief in Jesus being the Son of God.

Prayer of salvation

My Stance on God

I had decided a some time ago, whilst attending The Y Course, that the universe, planet earth, its inhabitants, and human beings, specifically, were all too awesome, intricate and finely balanced to have developed as happy coincidences. (This coming from a life-long scientific, mathematical, logical, rational, empirical, inquisitive, enquiring, and intelligent person.) I'd concluded that stuff had to have been designed & created, and that God was as good a name as any for the entity which did so.

I'd become used to praying to God from time to time of late, because various people had asked me to pray for them or their loved ones, assuming, I suppose, that I was a Christian - not unreasonable as I had been going to church most Sundays, although only because my kids went to Sunday school. I'd just omitted any reference to Jesus in such prayers.

My Stance on Jesus

I was happy enough to concede that Jesus had existed, but figured He was either a liar or self-deluded, and that those who had known Him were either gullible or in on the deceit. I'd encountered nothing to compel me to believe that Jesus was the Son of God.

My Deal with God

Since a belief in Jesus was clearly an unavoidable, non-negotiable part of Christianity, I prayed to God, proposing a deal: if He could help me to believe that Jesus was His Son, plus help me overcome a couple of sins I felt I couldn't conquer on my own, then I was up for being a Christian - genuinely and wholeheartedly.

I told God he'd have to pull out the stops and really impress me if he wanted to convince me that He existed and was communicating with me. Respectfully, of course.

Finally, I threw my friend, Tracey, into the deal as a 2-4-1, since, if it happened to me, it would probably convince her too. Heal Me?
I also prayed about my illness. I had had ME/CFS for some two and a half years. I told God that I wasn't about to ask Him to heal me for my own benefit, since it wasn't so very bad, and came with lots of benefits, such as spending a lot of time with my kids, helping with the playgroups I attended daily, shaping the ethos of the ME/CFS Facebook group I belonged to, getting to know some great people through the support group I belonged to, taking-up new, creative, hobbies like photography, acting and singing, and having the time to think about the big questions in life. Nor, now, was I to ask Him to heal me for my family, as we had become used to existing on benefits, and had a reasonable life, albeit one without much spare money for anything other than essentials. But I did suggest that it might be nice if I were, once again, a fully productive member of society, paying my way and supporting my family financially. So I left that one in God's hands.
Say the Prayer

The time came for the prayer of salvation. Jane read each line of the prayer, slowly and clearly, with a long pause after each line to allow us time to pray the preceding line in our heads, should we so choose. I was totally in the right frame of mind for it. I dwelt on and analysed every word of each line, and felt able to repeat the entire prayer sincerely, making it my own.

Okay, I thought, I'm now ready for this Holy Spirit business. Let's give it a go, as an experiment, an experience. Then, when nothing happens, I can move on. I was sceptical, but open-minded, as ever.

Let's Do It

I sat on a chair in the middle of the quiet room. Derek and another lady, whose name I forget, each placed a hand my shoulder and proceeded to pray over me, asking God to show me His presence and fill me with the Holy Spirit. I closed my eyes to minimise distraction. For ages nothing happened. I started to wonder how much longer I should wait before aborting the mission. Nothing was happening, just as I expected. But I'd have given it a go. Weird Stuff Starts Happening
Then I noticed that my eyes were twitching and rolling, just like, I imagine, they would do during REM sleep. They were moving involuntarily, and so quickly that I couldn't possibly have made them do this intentionally. Strange, I thought. What's this all about? Perhaps something is happening after all. This went on for quite some time, with my conscious self continuing to observe dispassionately. Then I got the feeling that the room was spinning around me. Or maybe like my head was spinning. I still had my eyes closed. My eyes were still doing the REM thing.

The head/room spinning thing was similar, I imagine, to what one would experience in a human gyroscope.

Human gyroscope photo

Human gyroscope video

The feeling was not dizziness, nor light-headedness, nor nausea, nor any feeling I'd ever had before. That said, it wasn't massively freaky or disconcerting either, just odd.

God Says Hi

Then God stepped into my mind and communicated with me. He didn't speak using words, so I have no idea what his voice sounded like as he didn't use it. The method of communication was unlike any I had experienced before. I suppose it could be most closely related to telepathy. God communicated his thoughts or intentions or ideas or concepts directly into my head. It felt like imagery was used, but I can't describe any specific image. All very wishy-washy sounding, I know. And if someone had told me of a similar experience of theirs, prior to this, I would probably have thought them delusional, desperate, gullible, brainwashed, needy, attention-seeking, bandwagon-jumping, or some combination thereof, depending on how well I knew the person, and how I perceived their character.

God brought my attention to one of the sins I'd asked for help with. He made it clear that I had to conquer it. I told him I would, with His help. Again, he made it clear that this was of utmost importance - a deal-breaker. Again, I assured Him of my conviction. That was good enough for God, and the deal was done. In fairness, I brought the other sin I'd asked for help with to his attention, but he wasn't bothered about that one.

Fill Me Up
The head/room spinning then stopped. I now felt like I was standing-up very straight and tall. Chest out, stomach in. And I was growing taller, up towards a bright light like the sun. Like when Jack's beanstalk grows. It got to a point where I started to wonder if I'd still fit through doorways. Then it was over. So I opened my eyes.

Heal Me

I then got a peculiar feeling in my legs. Well, not really a feeling as in a physical sensation, but more the knowledge that something was happening to them. I can't describe it as a warmth, a coldness, a tingling, a numbness, pins and needles, pain, or any other recognisable experience. It seemed that something was happening on a cellular level. It travelled, fairly quickly, up my legs and throughout the rest of my body. It reminded me of The Matrix when Neo touches the mirror and the silver spreads up his arm .

Neo touches the mirror in The Matrix

And then it was done. All I needed to do now was figure-out what on earth to do now!